September 5^th, 2012

Day 2 of orientation-My God I still miss you so much. Help me to do this. I want you here beside me so bad and I am trying so hard to get it all done. I Love You, Only, Always & Forever.

I want to give up. How could this be happening to me? What have I done that I deserve to go through all of this-alone. You weren’t supposed to die, Bob. Not now-when we had so much planned. I want to get mad and I can’t.  The sensible part of me knows that this is not something that happens because it was planned. But I still have so many questions and I know that they will probably never be answered. Is there a God & Heaven? Or am I trying to make sense of something that makes no sense at all.  I wish I could know that there will definitely be a meeting of our souls after my time is come.  Otherwise, is the end of life the end of all? I feel such a void. I want to believe that your spirit is hovering around me. But is what I feel true or just wishful thinking?

I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.

September 6, 2012

2:37 A.M. and I am awake. Drinking coffee from yesterday and some old tea as well. Is this the normal process of grieving? I got the girls out and now I’m wide awake. I know that this will be the new normal. But then, I always liked to do my driving in the wee hours of the morning.  You taught me so much, yet I am still afraid of doing or saying something that would damage your reputation. I remember that first trip alone. Almost got myself in a pickle there in Omaha and I figured out if I could get out of the truck stop then, I could do it anywhere.  But pride always goes before the fall and I am so worried that I give myself too much credit. Maybe I should start thinking about the things I do right. It would have been so easy to play the victim and just give up. But you never gave up on me, so how can I give up on the memory of you?  After all is said & done, I can’t. So, hopefully I will get a little bit stronger every day and do what needs to be done. I want to thank you for all you gave me-life would have been a far darker place without your light to illuminate the way. I still Love you-Always, Only & Forever

Finally got assigned a new truck-3124. A brand new KW.  Mike asked me if I was ready for this-I told him that I HAD to be. Guide me, Bob. I will need your help now more than ever. I miss you so much.

September 7^th, 2012

Well, I did it. Hooked up to the trailer and went and got fuel and went to Flora, IL and loaded. The load goes up to Washington. I want you so much to be behind me in the sleeper and I know that you are not and that you never will be again and I want to lie down and just cry for a million years. I keep wondering why this had to happen. There should have been something that I could have done to prevent this. And then I realize that it doesn’t matter-you’re dead and I can’t raise you up from the graveyard. But it doesn’t stop the wanting. I Love You, Only, Always & Forever.

September 8^th, 2012

I am at the rest area just outside of Foristell, MO. I can’t leave here yet-still have a couple of hours for the “clock” to reset. I am wondering what in the hell am I doing here. I want so badly to be home. But I do know that if I give up and do go home, there won’t be a home for long. I wonder how long it would take to save up enough money to be able to go home and work a minimum wage job and still get by. Well, it’s not something that I will be able to figure out today.

It feels as if that big gaping hole in my chest is back again. I miss you so damn much, Bob. That is the primary thought that seems to be always going through my head. I miss you with every breath I take and every little thing I do. I want what cannot be. I want you in my arms again. I Love You-Only, Always & Forever.

I don’t know if it was you or my overactive imagination, but I thought you came to see me earlier today. You told me you forgave me and that when my time comes you will be there to take me home. I thought I heard you say that I would live until I’m 80 and that I would die in my sleep. I still have work to do. How I would really like to believe that. Well, I think that I could believe a whole lot worse, couldn’t I? So, for now I will believe it for it brings me peace. I miss you still. Everything that I used to do that gave me joy seems useless now. I went inside here at Bosselman’s and spent money and it was a waste of time and money. So here I am-I’m going to go get some sleep. I Love You and I miss you. If possible, please come to me in my sleep.                

September 10^th, 2010

Had a meltdown yesterday.  I started out numb yesterday and then everything came back with a fury. I want so badly to go home. I don’t want to do this without you anymore. I have to wait until 5 AM before I leave and then I’m making a bee’s line to the house and I want to stop at the little trucking company to see if I could even make a living there. Hard work is not something I’m afraid of. But if I can make a living wage and still be home at night, it would be like a small miracle to me. I know I have to stay with Henderson until I get out of this hole I’m in, but after that, who knows?
I miss you so very, very much. I Love you and I want so badly to turn the clock back and get the chance to hold you, touch you, kiss you once more. I was talking to your picture yesterday. I said that I couldn’t promise not to have a lover in the future, but there will never be another you. You have been and always will be my Husband Always, Only & Forever.

I’m in Ontario, OR right now.  Had a real bad crying jag on the way into Boise.  I got to thinking about the day I lost you. God help me, I hope you didn’t think that I had given up on you and that is why you died so quickly. I only wanted to get help for you. I guess I will always second guess everything. But, although I knew that what you had was terminal, I thought we’d have some time together yet. I never got to sleep with you again. I got to kiss you and hug you and then you were gone. There should have been something-anything-I could of done to make you stay a little longer. I miss you so very much. I’m having trouble with the APU-the dipstick is gone and I asked the shop for advice and they told me what to do so I could use it without having oil go everywhere. I know I have to do this, but I am so bloody tired of having to do it all. On top of all this, I feel so fucking guilty about all the money I blew over the years. I don’t know how you forgave me-I can’t forgive myself. I want to go home and if I do give up and go home, there won’t be a home to go to anymore. So, I will stay the course. It is the least I can do for your memory. But I would give all I possess to hold you one more time. I love you, Bob. Always, Only & Forever.

I went to the bank today and closed out the old account and started a new one. I did it mainly for the dumb ass payday loans I took out in June-they are coming back to haunt me. There will be no more payday loans from here on out. Went to the PetCo here in Boise and got the girls their food, so they are taken care of. Wish it could be simple for everything else. I Love you.

September 11^th, 2012

I want to give up. I want to go home. Why dammit did you have to die? I can’t do this on my own…I’m sorry. Everything is gone-I may as well be gone too. It’s only been 2 weeks since I buried you-how can I do this for the rest of my life?

I am so angry at the fact that you died. I want to be mad at you, but I do realize that it was the cancer that killed you. It wasn’t something that either of us wanted.

Talked to Sheryl and her husband. I know you never met him, but they both came to your funeral. He works for Standlee Hay and he thinks I could get on there. It would fit me to a tee-Work and be home at night. I will talk to Kat tomorrow and see what would be a realistic expectation this time of year. I want to go home. I want to be around, if not you, then the things that belonged to you and me.  My God I miss you. I love you and I know that this will never end. I worry that I have done something to cause your death-is this what they mean by survivors guilt? Whatever it is, I want it to go away.

I was so despondent this morning. I wanted to give up. Thank goodness for better living through chemistry. But this will end when I run out of your old meds. But this self-medicating does help in the short term. Gives me a little more time to come to term with what has happened. I still love and need you. I miss you.

Now all that I need is to talk to the account manager at B of A and see how in the world I can rectify the mess I’m in with the mortgage company. If it turns out that I can’t save the house, I could put my energies into something more productive. But I really, really want to try. I still think I can do it. I just have to keep my chin up and keep going and working as long as I can and I will eventually turn everything around. As long as I get the mortgage current before they foreclose, I should be OK. I found out that I will have to work until I’m 66. I can have either your social security or mine-not both. It figures, doesn’t it?

I’ll write more later.  I love you.

September 14^th, 2012

I am going to save the house. I wish I could have saved you. I have to thank you for all the lessons you taught me. It was hard day before yesterday, but I could hear you in my mind when I was trying to back into the dock. I also had help from a driver from SAIA. I then went to Royal City, WA and loaded onions for Olney. I hate going through Boise. I know that your body is not there and it is useless to hate a place, but I break down every time I have to go through there.

I got a call from Vicki in recruiting-they want me to be a trainer. I’ll try it. Well, I have to get some sleep. I think I might be able to get used to you being gone. I don’t like it-I will never like it. But I know I will have to adapt if I want to survive and carry on what WE started. But by all that’s Holy, I miss you and I think I now know why people say they would sell their souls to the devil to see their loved ones one more time. I want and need you, but if I have to wait until my time on earth is done, then so be it. I really hope there is a hereafter and I get to spend it with you.

September 15^th, 2012

I’m at Cabela’s in Sidney, NE. I wanted to get to Big Springs before I shut down, but I couldn’t do it. What a day. I have alternated between crying to numbness and everything in between. I thought for a while I could almost see you. You were sitting in the jump seat and I was so grateful that you were there. Whether or not it is my imagination I don’t care. Anyway that I can see you will work. I talked about the plans that we had made and seeing as this is Saturday, we would have been glad that tomorrow we would both be off. I would of asked you if you wanted anything special for dinner and you would of said whatever I want to do would be fine with you. But every once in a while you would surprise me and actually ask for something specific. The neat thing about it was that 9 times out of 10 we would be thinking the same thing. I miss you so much. I rail against the powers that be for taking you from me. Then I remember how we talked about trying for our 50^th wedding anniversary.  I guess I should be grateful for the 30 years we did celebrate. And I know that we did have 32 years in total. I am grateful for what we did do and I am grateful that you taught me a trade that will enable me to keep doing what needs to be done to accomplish the majority of our dreams. I was out walking the girls and they were absolutely enjoying all the thick grass here. I hope that I will be able to do the backyard before they die so that they will get to enjoy it. So much I want to do-I thought I would do it with you. But if I can’t have you at my side, I will carry you forever in my heart. I Love You-Always, Only & Forever.

September 16^th, 2012

I have a confession to make. I stopped at Wild Horse and won $500 dollars. I put it all back except for $20. I feel so stupid. I had no business gambling. But to take that money-that I so desperately needed and to blow it makes me feel stupid, ashamed and worthless. I went to Wal-Mart and bought $14 worth of groceries. But I am still out of clean clothes and I have no money in which I can go to the truck stop and do laundry. I am so stupid.

Same day-later.

I am at Sapp Brothers in Nebraska City. I talked to Kathy earlier and she said she went to a Psychic to find out about Joey. She told me that the Psychic told her that you were in both places-Heaven and here with me. That would explain why I know that you are sitting in the jump seat. I miss you so very much. Please, if you can, stay by me a bit longer. I need your guidance so very much. I Love You-Always, Only & Forever. Also, I put my wedding rings back where they belong. Like I told you before-I am and always will be your Wife.

September 17^th, 2012

It is one calendar month since you died. I miss you so much and I want to go back in time so that I could hold you, kiss you and fuss over you. You were and are the biggest part of my life. I feel so incomplete without you here at my side. Part of me feels numb and seeing as the other side of this is prostrating grief, right now I will be better off with the numbness. I keep having an instant replay of that day in my mind. The conversation with the Doctors and the nurses. The E.R. Doctor told me that she didn’t think you would survive this and that they needed to get a scan of you but if they were to try to take you down to the scanning machine, you would code in the elevator. I told them that if there was a chance you would survive to keep you hooked up but if it was the cancer and that your body was just so tired of fighting it to let you go. By all the Gods, that had to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say. So they took you off of the ventilator and I told you that I am and always would be your wife. I told you that I would not do anything to shame you. I meant no smoking and no gambling. I’ve kept the first part and  up on the second. But there will be no repeats of the gambling.

How could you be gone? Why did you have to die so soon? Kathy told me that you were on another plane. That each of us has another plane we go to when we die and that sometimes they overlap others.  I feel you here beside me right now-trying to give comfort. And I appreciate it. Please be beside me right now. Help me to get through this day. And if there is a chance I could get a real temper tantrum going that would help. I never before liked getting that angry before. I have learned that anger does have its uses. I just have to remember to let it chase the hurt away and then remember all the good things you brought to me. I Love You-Always, Only & Forever.

Same day-later

I’m at the Caseyville yard and I am so thankful for the lessons you have taught me. I did it, Bob. I actually dropped the trailer and did it the way you taught me too. I hope you know how much I appreciate the lessons you have shown me.

Well, here I am at Olney and it looks as if I’ll be here overnight. They sent me on over here and of course Wal-Mart refused the load. I wish they would have told me that plans had changed and that I would be delivering this. I have a little over $2 on me. There SHOULD be a little over $8 on the debit card. I need a shower-badly. I have no clean clothes. I don’t have enough to even do laundry if there were a Laundromat in the area. Oh well-just another day in paradise, right?

But the one constant is you, Bob. I still miss you, love and need you.  Always, Only & Forever.

Called Diane at the bank and I almost cried after what she offered to me. She helped transfer money to the old checking account and added an additional $25 to it so I could eat. She also said that if I were to call the post office  and give permission to her, she would be happy to deposit my paycheck for me. Such acts of kindness are like a lifeline to me.

I’m at Wal-Mart and did everything that I was supposed to do-Thank you again, Bob, for everything you taught me.  I Love you today and I will love you tomorrow. How I wish you could read these words.

September 19^th, 2012

I’m here at the ice cream place in Sikeston, MO. Waiting for my clock to reset so I can get the hell out of here. I miss you so much.  Daniel was running me ragged today. There was an accident on the freeway coming down here and it put me way behind. I got here just as they were closing and then I was told that I had to wait in the break room for my papers. So, while in the break room, I did just that. I guess I’m coming to terms with what has happened. It doesn’t mean that I am dealing with it well, but I am dealing with it. I still want to go home and shut the door and the world out. But I can’t.  So, I guess it is the push I need to get done what has to be done so I can do what I want to do. The only thing I really want to do is bring you back. But I can’t. So I guess I have to live as well as I can until I get to come to you.

If I could stand on a soapbox and tell the world to honor the ones we love while they are still alive, I would.  So many dreams left unrealized and I regret the time I’ve lost with and for you over the years. I still miss you and I love you and I believe that that will never change. But I would give almost anything to have you back again. Always, Only & Forever I will love you.

September 22^nd, 2012      

I am here at The Flying J in North Platte, NE. I miss you. I want to go home and I want to see you again and I seem to want so many things that I know I can’t have. But I still love you-Always, Only & Forever.

September 24^th, 2012

Well, here I am at Tooele, UT. I want to go home so bad I can taste it. I asked you to come into my dreams and I can’t remember if you did or not. I seem to have a stye in my eye and the bugger hurts. Bob, I miss you so much-the grief envelopes me and I can’t seem to look up to see anything. Why did you have to die? I am angry at the fact that you are gone. And I feel guilty for feeling so.

Well, got the fuel and here I am at consignee. Hot load my ass-there are 5 other Henderson trucks here. I’m going home. As soon as I find another job. I’m going to call Kat later today and see if there are any openings there yet. Or hopefully trans systems will call. I am just as determined to go home as I am to save the house. I WILL be doing both. And woe to anyone who tries to stop me.

I still love you-Only, Always & Forever.

I AM GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 25^th, 2012

I miss you so very much. The wanting and the ache of you being gone is muted today. But it still throbs like a sore muscle. I have been so frustrated and angry the past few days. I have to step back and realize that it doesn’t really matter WHO I work for-they are all going to be about the same. As long as I can bring in enough money to do what I want to do, it doesn’t really matter where I earn it, does it. But it doesn’t stop the wanting of you. Why do I have to keep going back & forth between all these emotions? I wish I could box them all up and deal with them finally and then put them away. But I know that’s not going to happen.

I feel your loss and I don’t think I will ever be able to fully reconcile myself to it. Like I’ve said before-I have been and always will be your Wife. I Love you always,  Only & Forever..

Be with me today-I need you badly.

September 28^th, 2012

Today it has been 6 weeks since you died. I am in Caseyville-got here yesterday and I lost my trainee. I wonder-I feel halfway normal this morning. I feel guilty over the things I told to Henderson about Shannon. They were true, but I am wondering if I should of played things down a bit. I like her-I truly do-but she needs to get more training than what she had in order to progress here. I am afraid that I may of sabotaged her career in order to placate myself. I hope I did not.

I miss you, of course. I tried to cry this morning and I couldn’t. I made a promise that I need to start replacing the memory I have of you as you were dying and replace it with memories I have of you when you were alive and in your prime. The look in your eyes that said you loved me. The way you would act and the things that you would say when you wanted me in bed. The times we laughed together and cried together and the times when I would make you so mad. But especially the times when you would forgive me and the times you held me when I would cry my heart out. THOSE are the memories I have to nourish and keep alive in my mind. I have taken my & your wedding bands and hung them around my neck. I will never marry again, but I need to finally realize that you have gone to a better place and I will have to be patient until you come to bring me home-like you promised. Who was it that wrote that life is for the living? So, from this day forward I vow to carry on what we have started. I don’t know all the twists & turns this road will take. But you me taught how to lay a course and stick to it. I love you-Always, Only & Forever. Pray that I do all that WE wanted to do.

Same day-later. Waiting for a trailer to take to A/B and then bring a loaded back here and then go get my load to Tooele. I hope I get to go home from there.

I was wondering-I want to see you and touch you again. Will I be able to do so when I cross over? There was a time when I wanted to live forever. Part of me does and the other part of me wants to be with you. I wish I could do both.

September 30^th, 2012

I am at the 259 MM in Nebraska. Yesterday was a day of ups and downs. My charger for the phone is missing and I suspect that Shannon took it-by mistake, I’m sure-but I can’t find it anywhere. The people here at the Pilot are charging it for me. I met a woman who lost her partner of 10 years. Made me realize that I am not the only one who has loved and lost. But at least your spirit is with me. I love you and I miss you-but I am adapting.

October 1^st, 2012

I delivered Tooele this morning and then instead of going home-like WE used to do, I had to run and grab a load with 3 picks on it. I am so fricking tired. I want to go home and now I have to lay overnight here at the Pilot in Ogden because I ran out of hours. Before I forget-Bob, thank you for helping me when I asked for it. I know it’s you because I can feel you guiding my hands and my head when I start to get frazzled. I love and miss you. But I am so very tired, so forgive me for not writing more. I would so like to see you in my dreams.

October 4^th, 2012

I miss you-so much.  Your absence here is so pronounced this morning. What I would not give to see you and touch you again but I know I can’t. Went to the mortuary yesterday and made the first payment for your funeral. Asked Kevin what Henry actually said to him and his parting shot was “Well, I hope you get your money.”  Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. I don’t need nor want his charity. Thank you for teaching me the concept of honor-I will get this done. I Love You-Always, Only & Forever.

October 5^th, 2012

I find myself so angry at Henry. There is nothing on TV and I thought that I would watch one of the many movies or DVD’s that we had acquired and the majority of them are gone. Actually I think that I’m equally as mad at him as I am at myself. How did I just stand there and let him careen all over me? What happened to my backbone. You taught me to stand up for myself and I failed both of us. I am so sorry that I was so weak. It won’t happen again. I got back all the Cinderella stuff. I am SO glad it was not sellable. There are too many things that I sold that I now wish I had not. I know that I needed the money but if I had not gambled so much money over the years we would have been in a far better position and I would have been able to keep more. Moot point-I am where I am and this is where I have to go forward from. But I think I will always have these regrets. I miss you so much. I wish I had treated you better. I went to a goldsmith today and he is going to turn our wedding rings into a widow’s ring for me. I won’t have it until next year but it is something that I want to do-feel that I have to do.

I was taking a shower this morning and I swear I smelt cigarette smoke. I said that I didn’t know who was there, but would you please tell them no smoking allowed. Thank you for conveying the message. I love you so much and I feel your absence so much tonight. How I want just one more time to hold you. Oh well.

I’ll be home until tomorrow. I don’t load until Monday at Hermiston but I want to leave out so that I can get the girls regular dog food in Boise. Please let me continue to be strong and to keep our legacy going. I will love you always, only & forever.

Stopped at Boise and got the girls’ food. Some at least. I am wondering what I am doing here. I don’t have any answers and I really would like some.

I miss you-thoroughly. I talked to you when I went over Cabbage today. I spent money that I should not of-gambling.  Everything feels so useless. I want to keep the house and everything, but I wonder if I am doing this all for naught.  That despite all my good intentions I am going to fail and miserably. God, I wish I knew what to do.  I got mad at you earlier, Bob. When I remembered what you told me in the hospital about you knowing that it was bad. Remembering your answer when I asked why you didn’t say anything earlier. You told me that “I was hoping if I ignored it, it would go away.” Do you know what your death has done to me? I feel like a rudderless ship and although I can see where I want to be, but I haven’t got the tools to get there. And I wonder if I had been more adamant about the treatment if you would have survived a little longer.  But of course I have no answers. So I sit here in the truck stop-wishing I was at home and knowing if I don’t stay out here, there will be no home to go home to. But despite it all, I Love You-Always, Only & Forever. I wish you were here to let me rest my troubles for a while.

October 8^th, 2012

Well, if Dad were still alive he’d be 82 today.  But he’s not and never will be a day older than when he died.

I am here at Hermiston and have been all day. Won’t get loaded until later tonight-about 1 AM. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I don’t care. I have a feeling of impending doom and I hope it goes away. Why do I feel as if everything I want to work for will all go away- no matter what I do? I really, really hope I feel more optimistic when I get up. But I still miss you, Bob. I always will.

Same day later-I dreamt of you. I bought you a brownie and you were happy. By all that’s Holy I miss you. I called Kathy and talked to her for a while. And cried a bit. I feel like crying right now and I can’t. Went in to check on the load and I got a feeling that I will be here until tomorrow morning. Who knows, maybe I will get some waiting pay. Possible but highly improbable, I know. I never really realized how much I drew comfort from you just being here. You didn’t even have to do anything-just being around you brought me peace and comfort. I miss it so much right now. I miss you. It goes without saying how much I love you. And I always will.

October 9^th, 2012

What a day. Got loaded at 2 AM and have been on the go ever since. The load is going to Sidney and it looks as if I might be delivering it. Sweet. Broke down in Boise. I went to the T/A and they had to fix the thing-a-ma-jig where you plug in the pigtail for the lights. Then when I was getting ready to leave I broke down. Right now I am in Mountain Home and I am done for the night. I’m going to go grab something to eat and then I am going to bed. By the way, if I do take this load all the way out there, it will gross me $816.62. I can only hope. But it is 1912 miles from here and that is, what, 3 days? I will make it to Laramie tomorrow, but then I have still got 2 more 10 hour driving sessions to get there. Oh well, all I can do is the best I can do and it will have to be enough. I miss you, Bob. I really really miss you. I Love you as well. I’ll write more later.

October 12^th, 2012

9 weeks ago today I lost you. How can the time gone so fast? I must be more tired than I thought-I can’t think of a thing to say. I know I miss you and I wish you were here. I talked to a lot of people today.  So far, everything seems to be holding together. I hope it stays this way. I feel lonely-I miss not only you, but we were. I miss what I was. But the one thing that doesn't change is the fact that I still love you, Always, Only & Forever.