My husband died on August 17th, 2012. He is my heart-how can he be gone?
It has been 2 days since you left me. I
feel so guilty-I feel that I was the one that killed you. I pray not. God help
me that I made the right decision.
But what if I did wrong? Could you have
lived if I made them keep you on the ventilator?
I love you so much-I never knew how much
you completed me until you were gone. We had such plans. I can still see
you on the gurney and they told me that your heart had stopped. You were
still trying to breathe-I guess it takes the brain a while. What am I to do
now? You were my heart. And I have been finding cards that I have given you
over the years and I signed them all only, always & forever.
Henry & Patty came down. I know Henry
means well, but he is trying to push me to do things that I am not ready to do
yet. I want to try and keep the house. I want to try and keep the Chevy. Patty
has been such a source of comfort to me. She understands me more than I
thought.
I want to cry and I can’t. I want to
scream and I can’t. I want you back and I can’t have that either. Help me
please…..
Monday, August 20th, 2012
We went to the funeral home today and
arraigned for your cremation. I so badly wanted to have us buried in a
traditional grave, but it is not to be.
I went and talked to Dee today and told
her it was imperative that I work as close to 40 hours a week as I can. She has
agreed to give me as many hours as I can stand. By my calculations, I should
clear $300 a week and if I can do this, I might be able to keep the house. At
that rate, I would be able to pay the power and water bills as well. The
realtor came by today. Bless his heart-he suggested that I not do anything
right now. I also am looking for a roommate.
I miss you still so much. I went upstairs
to iron my work shirts and found the one that I had almost finished for you.
And then I cried. I hope that seeing you before we cremate you will bring some
comfort. God knows I could use some right now.
Wednesday, August 22nd, 2012
There will be no cremation. I sold some
stuff today and my paycheck and your last social security check came today and
I was able to go buy a plot in the Hazelton cemetery for you. You will be
buried as we had discussed so many times before. And I will be buried right
beside you when my time comes.
Does it matter, the way we put our loved
ones to rest? I don’t know. But it seemed so wrong to have you cremated. I
don’t know why it felt so wrong, but it did. The guy from the Funeral home-his
name is Kevin-was so understanding. He saw that Henry was pushing me into
something that I (or we) didn’t want. He is willing to let me make payments and
of course I will be paying Henry back for all the monies he spent on your
cremation-that didn’t happen. I went to the cemetery this morning and I walked
around. All I felt was peace.
I miss you still so very much. I want to
see you sitting in the recliner and I know I never will. It’s only been 5 days
and it feels like a lifetime has passed. I have this spot in the middle of my
chest and it feels empty. I wish I could cry, but the tears seemed to have
dried up.
I think that sometimes I feel you
standing by me. Annie was acting really strange yesterday and Patches was a
little skittish as well. And I smelled carnations-not for very long, but it was
strong and pleasant. It faded and then came back for a few seconds and was
finally gone. Was it you? I pray that it was. Always, Only &
Forever-I will love you.
Friday, August 24th, 2012
It has been one week today. I can’t
sleep. I catnap in the recliner and I get up and do what has to be done and now
that it’s time for bed, I cannot sleep. I went to work this morning to get my
paycheck stub and the flowers/plant that was given to me last night. I did OK
at work, but after the rush was done, I wanted to sit down and cry. I
felt so down and alone last night-I really would not have minded if I died
right then and there. But I guess I have more than a grieving heart going for
me. I could just imagine you looking at me and shaking your head. Thinking that
I didn’t love you enough to keep going. But I know that that is not true. All
that Henry did made me mad. I would like to think that he has the best of
intentions, but what he did was, at least to me, reprehensible. I have just
lost you and he is going on & on about calling a realtor, putting the house
up for sale, selling all the furniture and giving the Chevy back. And I will be
damned if I am going to give up and lose everything we have worked for without
a fight. I have a strong back and 2 hands and the will to keep going what we
have started. I’m reaching out and asking for help. I may not get any, but I have to try.
I love you so much and I miss you. I
printed up some pictures and tacked them to the wall. Was I that stupid
that I took pictures of everything but you and I? I see pictures of me, of
course. But that was because you were always taking them. I wish now that
I had taken more of you. I know that your face will be imprinted in my
head from now until the time I see you again. I went upstairs 2 days ago
and finished the shirt I made you. Kevin says that we will bury you in it.
You will be laid to rest Tuesday morning at 8:30. I think my heart will
be buried with you. I told the girls that I knew that they were going to be
with you before I get there. Are you there in the meadow? Have you seen Tilly
& Ziggy? If you have been there, please be at peace. I know that we
have to be apart for a little while, but we will meet again.
I still love you, Always, Only &
Forever.
Saturday the 25th of August.
I worked day shift today and I am sorely
disappointed in the tips I made. How am I to save the home we worked so hard
for if I can’t count on the tips? I want-badly-to find another job. I
don’t care if it pays minimum wage-as long as I get the hours I need. I was
going stir crazy earlier so I went to the cemetery and cried a bit. I know that
you aren’t there yet, but I needed to go. Went to the store and got 2 bottles
of Mountain Dew and when I got home, I picked up the garbage and now I’m here.
I miss you so much. I got cards from Joann, Furniture & Appliance Outlet
and Carla and crew. The words on the cards reminded me to be grateful for what
we had. I know I have hurt you in the past, but I hope you know how much I love
you. We did have some good times, didn’t we? You made me laugh and brought me
joy that I never thought to have. I feel that you should not have died yet. But
I am a mortal human and the powers I have (if any) are slight. But by all
that’s holy I do love you. You are such a part of me, that I cannot imagine
living without the love you gave me. And the love you did give me is mine and I
will never let go of it. I love you, Always Only & Forever.
Monday, August 27th, 2012
Well, I go to bury you in the morning.
Please let me be strong enough to do this. I have a Pastor from the Methodist
church coming out to say a blessing over you. Gail told me that he was going to
give a eulogy. So many people-who have only met you briefly-and they all
thought the world of you.
You were such a beacon of light-I am
always being told by the few who knew you what a great man you are. Of course
they aren’t telling me anything I didn’t already know.
I’m also going back on the road.
Henderson has agreed to re-hire me and I can think of no other way to secure our
home and our future. You have taught me so much and I have to believe that I
can take the lessons I have learned and put them to good use. If I can do this
for 4 years, I think that I could finally come home and do what we always
wanted to do. This is our home and I can’t just sit idly by and do nothing. And
if I don’t start to bring some serious money in, all that we have worked for
will be for naught. I hope that you understand where I am coming from.
I wish I had not gambled so much away.
Not only monetarily but otherwise. I told Kathy that I regret the loss of time
greater than the money. How many hours did I spend away from you and the girls
that I can never recoup? I am truly so sorry. But to sit here and just
moan and groan is not what you would want me to do. I have a strong back, two
good hands and the will to survive. And I have you to thank.
I talked to Sue and Carl and Sue said
that they are sending some money. I don’t know how much, but maybe enough to
fund my trip back to Caseyville. I didn’t expect anything. I also got a card
and a check from Kent & Juli Steen. How I wish you could read it. I will go
later and bring the card back here and type it out. It said on the card
that he had such happy memories of you & I over the years at both Riley
& Kooser. And that we had touched so many kids lives. So I guess it’s
another way that we leave our legacy of caring when we do touch those in our
lives. I know that you touched mine in a hundred million ways. And I will never
forget how much you mean to me. I love you now and I will love you then and I
will love you always.
I sit here in the ‘office’ and I play
stupid kids games and for a while I forget the void your death has left in my
life. And then I feel a little guilty for doing something so mundane. Is it
wrong of me to do this? I wish I knew.
Tuesday, August 28th, 2012
Well, I laid you to rest this morning.
All in all it was a very nice funeral. Gail, Bonnie, Anthony, the woman from
DOT foods whose name I couldn’t remember, Alice & her husband, Sheryl from
work and her husband, Daryl were there as well as Penni & Tara and Jackie.
Dr Hadlock and the women from his office even showed up to pay their last
respects. There was a Pastor from the Methodist church come out and prayed over
your casket. The guy who works for the city was there and even carried your
coffin to the grave site. And Angie from the bank and Lisa were there as well.
But now that it’s all over and everyone is gone and I’m here alone-what do I
do? I miss you so much. I want to get into the Chevy and just start
driving. I can’t, of course. I am going back to work for Henderson and I have
to be prepared. So I will bide my time. I’m told the pain will end someday. But
I don’t think the wanting of you and the loving of you will ever end.
August 28th, 2012
Kevin just called and said that
Henry just called and when told on what I did, demanded all the money back. So
be it. So now I have 2 bills that will be paid before anything else-The
mortgage and the mortuary bill. Damn straight I will do this.
August 29th, 2012
I want to die. I feel like all the drive
has been sucked right out of me. I don’t think I will get any help from
anybody. But I can’t leave the girls alone right now. And although I think I
could willingly end my life, what right do I have to end theirs? It hurts, it
hurts, it hurts.
August 29th, 2012
Well, the urge to end it all has passed.
I knew it would. I will triumph and do what needs to be done. I will live, if
not for myself, then for Bob & what he stood for.
I Love you Bob, Only, Always, and
Forever.
August 30th, 2012
August 31st, 2012
On my way into town to quit IHOP. I can’t
work there anymore. First I need to see if the mail brings any money-still
about $100 shy of what I need. If not I will adapt.
I love you, Bob-Always, Only &
Forever.
I miss you Bob-how I want you beside me.
Later-I took a bath and I know I should
get some sleep. I wanted to try and burn this diary to a CD and I can’t get it
to work. Tried emailing this to me and I can’t open it on the laptop. I’ll
figure something out. I love you, I miss you.
Well, looks like I figured it out. Pray I
do as well with everything else.
I Love You, Always, Only & Forever.
September 1st, 2012
Well, today is the day I go back to
Illinois. I know I'm doing this to preserve the things we have worked for. I
would rather live in a tent with you, but seeing as that is not possible I can
think of no other way to honor the work you did better than picking up the
reins and going with it. I miss you so very much-please let me be strong enough
to do this.
I Love You, Always, Only & Forever.
September 2nd, 2012
I am at the Super 8 in Kimball, NE. I miss you so very much. I want to turn
around and run for home but you’re not there and if I do go there will be no
home to go home to. Had a hose bust today and it put me behind more hours than
I anticipated. But at least it’s fixed.
Already I am so tired of trying to be
strong. I want you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be OK and I
know that you can’t. I went to the cemetery last night on the way out of town
and the girls ran around like whirling dervishes. But they could have cared
less about your grave. I guess I can take that to mean that it’s just your body
there. Not your soul. I am so afraid. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE????
September 3rd, 2012
Got locked out of my room and took 3
trips back & forth to the lobby to get it ironed out. It's 1A.M. and I'm
going to be leaving here soon. I feel numb today. I don't feel anything and I
guess for now it will do.
September 4th, 2012
Went through the first day of orientation
and it looks as if I did OK. Passed the driving test without a hitch and passed
the physical as well. I miss you so much. It felt downright wrong to be doing
this without you. But I know that this is the only way to keep what we
have. How I wish I had one more chance
to see you, hold you, talk to you. Mostly I want to see and hold you one more
time. And I know I never will and it’s tearing me up inside. But I still love
you-Always, Only & Forever. Help me to be the woman You knew I could be.
I am laying here on the bed at the Motel
6 and the girls are lying next to be. They have been so good and it’s been hard
on them as well. I am grateful for them.
September 5th, 2012
Day 2 of orientation-My God I still miss
you so much. Help me to do this. I want you here beside me so bad and I am
trying so hard to get it all done. I Love You, Only, Always & Forever.
I want to give up. How could this be
happening to me? What have I done that I deserve to go through all of
this-alone. You weren’t supposed to die, Bob. Not now-when we had so much
planned. I want to get mad and I can’t.
The sensible part of me knows that this is not something that happens
because it was planned. But I still have so many questions and I know that they
will probably never be answered. Is there a God & Heaven? Or am I trying to
make sense of something that makes no sense at all. I wish I could know that there will
definitely be a meeting of our souls after my time is come. Otherwise, is the end of life the end of all?
I feel such a void. I want to believe that your spirit is hovering around me.
But is what I feel true or just wishful thinking?
I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.
September 6, 2012
2:37 A.M. and I am awake. Drinking coffee
from yesterday and some old tea as well. Is this the normal process of
grieving? I got the girls out and now I’m wide awake. I know that this will be
the new normal. But then, I always liked to do my driving in the wee hours of
the morning. You taught me so much, yet
I am still afraid of doing or saying something that would damage your
reputation. I remember that first trip alone. Almost got myself in a pickle there
in Omaha and I figured out if I could get out of the truckstop then, I could do
it anywhere. But pride always goes
before the fall and I am so worried that I give myself too much credit. Maybe I
should start thinking about the things I do right. It would have been so easy
to play the victim and just give up. But you never gave up on me, so how can I
give up on the memory of you? After all
is said & done, I can’t. So, hopefully I will get a little bit stronger
every day and do what needs to be done. I want to thank you for all you gave
me-life would have been a far darker place without your light to illuminate the
way. I still Love you-Always, Only & Forever.
Finally got assigned a new truck-3124. A brand new KW. Mike asked me if I was ready for this-I told him that I HAD to be. Guide me, Bob. I will need your help now more than ever. I miss you so much.
Finally got assigned a new truck-3124. A brand new KW. Mike asked me if I was ready for this-I told him that I HAD to be. Guide me, Bob. I will need your help now more than ever. I miss you so much.
