September 5th, 2012
Day 2 of orientation-My God I still miss
you so much. Help me to do this. I want you here beside me so bad and I am
trying so hard to get it all done. I Love You, Only, Always & Forever.
I want to give up. How could this be
happening to me? What have I done that I deserve to go through all of
this-alone. You weren’t supposed to die, Bob. Not now-when we had so much
planned. I want to get mad and I can’t.
The sensible part of me knows that this is not something that happens
because it was planned. But I still have so many questions and I know that they
will probably never be answered. Is there a God & Heaven? Or am I trying to
make sense of something that makes no sense at all. I wish I could know that there will
definitely be a meeting of our souls after my time is come. Otherwise, is the end of life the end of all?
I feel such a void. I want to believe that your spirit is hovering around me.
But is what I feel true or just wishful thinking?
I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.
September 6, 2012
2:37 A.M. and I am awake. Drinking coffee
from yesterday and some old tea as well. Is this the normal process of
grieving? I got the girls out and now I’m wide awake. I know that this will be
the new normal. But then, I always liked to do my driving in the wee hours of
the morning. You taught me so much, yet
I am still afraid of doing or saying something that would damage your
reputation. I remember that first trip alone. Almost got myself in a pickle
there in Omaha and I figured out if I could get out of the truck stop then, I
could do it anywhere. But pride always
goes before the fall and I am so worried that I give myself too much credit.
Maybe I should start thinking about the things I do right. It would have been
so easy to play the victim and just give up. But you never gave up on me, so
how can I give up on the memory of you?
After all is said & done, I can’t. So, hopefully I will get a little
bit stronger every day and do what needs to be done. I want to thank you for
all you gave me-life would have been a far darker place without your light to
illuminate the way. I still Love you-Always, Only & Forever
Finally got assigned a new truck-3124. A
brand new KW. Mike asked me if I was
ready for this-I told him that I HAD to be. Guide me, Bob. I will need your
help now more than ever. I miss you so much.
September 7th, 2012
Well, I did it. Hooked up to the trailer
and went and got fuel and went to Flora, IL and loaded. The load goes up to
Washington. I want you so much to be behind me in the sleeper and I know that
you are not and that you never will be again and I want to lie down and just
cry for a million years. I keep wondering why this had to happen. There should
have been something that I could have done to prevent this. And then I realize
that it doesn’t matter-you’re dead and I can’t raise you up from the graveyard.
But it doesn’t stop the wanting. I Love You, Only, Always & Forever.
September 8th, 2012
I am at the rest area just outside of
Foristell, MO. I can’t leave here yet-still have a couple of hours for the
“clock” to reset. I am wondering what in the hell am I doing here. I want so
badly to be home. But I do know that if I give up and do go home, there won’t
be a home for long. I wonder how long it would take to save up enough money to
be able to go home and work a minimum wage job and still get by. Well, it’s not
something that I will be able to figure out today.
It feels as if that big gaping hole in my chest is back again. I miss you so damn much, Bob. That is the primary thought that seems to be always going through my head. I miss you with every breath I take and every little thing I do. I want what cannot be. I want you in my arms again. I Love You-Only, Always & Forever.
It feels as if that big gaping hole in my chest is back again. I miss you so damn much, Bob. That is the primary thought that seems to be always going through my head. I miss you with every breath I take and every little thing I do. I want what cannot be. I want you in my arms again. I Love You-Only, Always & Forever.
I don’t know if it was you or my
overactive imagination, but I thought you came to see me earlier today. You
told me you forgave me and that when my time comes you will be there to take me
home. I thought I heard you say that I would live until I’m 80 and that I would
die in my sleep. I still have work to do. How I would really like to believe
that. Well, I think that I could believe a whole lot worse, couldn’t I? So, for
now I will believe it for it brings me peace. I miss you still. Everything that
I used to do that gave me joy seems useless now. I went inside here at
Bosselman’s and spent money and it was a waste of time and money. So here I am-I’m
going to go get some sleep. I Love You and I miss you. If possible, please come
to me in my sleep.
September 10th, 2010
Had a meltdown yesterday. I started out numb yesterday and then
everything came back with a fury. I want so badly to go home. I don’t want to
do this without you anymore. I have to wait until 5 AM before I leave and then
I’m making a bee’s line to the house and I want to stop at the little trucking
company to see if I could even make a living there. Hard work is not something
I’m afraid of. But if I can make a living wage and still be home at night, it
would be like a small miracle to me. I know I have to stay with Henderson until
I get out of this hole I’m in, but after that, who knows?
I miss you so very, very much. I Love you and I want so badly to turn the clock back and get the chance to hold you, touch you, kiss you once more. I was talking to your picture yesterday. I said that I couldn’t promise not to have a lover in the future, but there will never be another you. You have been and always will be my Husband Always, Only & Forever.
I miss you so very, very much. I Love you and I want so badly to turn the clock back and get the chance to hold you, touch you, kiss you once more. I was talking to your picture yesterday. I said that I couldn’t promise not to have a lover in the future, but there will never be another you. You have been and always will be my Husband Always, Only & Forever.
I’m in Ontario, OR right now. Had a real bad crying jag on the way into
Boise. I got to thinking about the day I
lost you. God help me, I hope you didn’t think that I had given up on you and
that is why you died so quickly. I only wanted to get help for you. I guess I
will always second guess everything. But, although I knew that what you had was
terminal, I thought we’d have some time together yet. I never got to sleep with
you again. I got to kiss you and hug you and then you were gone. There should
have been something-anything-I could of done to make you stay a little longer.
I miss you so very much. I’m having trouble with the APU-the dipstick is gone
and I asked the shop for advice and they told me what to do so I could use it
without having oil go everywhere. I know I have to do this, but I am so bloody
tired of having to do it all. On top of all this, I feel so fucking guilty
about all the money I blew over the years. I don’t know how you forgave me-I
can’t forgive myself. I want to go home and if I do give up and go home, there
won’t be a home to go to anymore. So, I will stay the course. It is the least I
can do for your memory. But I would give all I possess to hold you one more
time. I love you, Bob. Always, Only & Forever.
I went to the bank today and closed out
the old account and started a new one. I did it mainly for the dumb ass payday
loans I took out in June-they are coming back to haunt me. There will be no
more payday loans from here on out. Went to the PetCo here in Boise and got the
girls their food, so they are taken care of. Wish it could be simple for
everything else. I Love you.
September 11th, 2012
I want to give up. I want to go home. Why
dammit did you have to die? I can’t do this on my own…I’m sorry. Everything is
gone-I may as well be gone too. It’s only been 2 weeks since I buried you-how
can I do this for the rest of my life?
I am so angry at the fact that you died.
I want to be mad at you, but I do realize that it was the cancer that killed
you. It wasn’t something that either of us wanted.
Talked
to Sheryl and her husband. I know you never met him, but they both came to your
funeral. He works for Standlee Hay and he thinks I could get on there. It would
fit me to a tee-Work and be home at night. I will talk to Kat tomorrow and see
what would be a realistic expectation this time of year. I want to go home. I
want to be around, if not you, then the things that belonged to you and
me. My God I miss you. I love you and I
know that this will never end. I worry that I have done something to cause your
death-is this what they mean by survivors guilt? Whatever it is, I want it to
go away.
I
was so despondent this morning. I wanted to give up. Thank goodness for better
living through chemistry. But this will end when I run out of your old meds.
But this self-medicating does help in the short term. Gives me a little more
time to come to term with what has happened. I still love and need you. I miss
you.
Now
all that I need is to talk to the account manager at B of A and see how in the
world I can rectify the mess I’m in with the mortgage company. If it turns out
that I can’t save the house, I could put my energies into something more
productive. But I really, really want to try. I still think I can do it. I just
have to keep my chin up and keep going and working as long as I can and I will
eventually turn everything around. As long as I get the mortgage current before
they foreclose, I should be OK. I found out that I will have to work until I’m
66. I can have either your social security or mine-not both. It figures,
doesn’t it?
I’ll
write more later. I love you.
September
14th, 2012
I
am going to save the house. I wish I could have saved you. I have to thank you
for all the lessons you taught me. It was hard day before yesterday, but I
could hear you in my mind when I was trying to back into the dock. I also had
help from a driver from SAIA. I then went to Royal City, WA and loaded onions
for Olney. I hate going through Boise. I know that your body is not there and
it is useless to hate a place, but I break down every time I have to go through
there.
I
got a call from Vicki in recruiting-they want me to be a trainer. I’ll try it.
Well, I have to get some sleep. I think I might be able to get used to you
being gone. I don’t like it-I will never like it. But I know I will have to
adapt if I want to survive and carry on what WE started. But by all that’s
Holy, I miss you and I think I now know why people say they would sell their
souls to the devil to see their loved ones one more time. I want and need you,
but if I have to wait until my time on earth is done, then so be it. I really
hope there is a hereafter and I get to spend it with you.
September
15th, 2012
I’m
at Cabela’s in Sidney, NE. I wanted to get to Big Springs before I shut down,
but I couldn’t do it. What a day. I have alternated between crying to numbness
and everything in between. I thought for a while I could almost see you. You
were sitting in the jump seat and I was so grateful that you were there.
Whether or not it is my imagination I don’t care. Anyway that I can see you
will work. I talked about the plans that we had made and seeing as this is
Saturday, we would have been glad that tomorrow we would both be off. I would
of asked you if you wanted anything special for dinner and you would of said
whatever I want to do would be fine with you. But every once in a while you
would surprise me and actually ask for something specific. The neat thing about
it was that 9 times out of 10 we would be thinking the same thing. I miss you
so much. I rail against the powers that be for taking you from me. Then I
remember how we talked about trying for our 50th wedding
anniversary. I guess I should be
grateful for the 30 years we did celebrate. And I know that we did have 32
years in total. I am grateful for what we did do and I am grateful that you
taught me a trade that will enable me to keep doing what needs to be done to
accomplish the majority of our dreams. I was out walking the girls and they
were absolutely enjoying all the thick grass here. I hope that I will be able
to do the backyard before they die so that they will get to enjoy it. So much I
want to do-I thought I would do it with you. But if I can’t have you at my
side, I will carry you forever in my heart. I Love You-Always, Only &
Forever.
September
16th, 2012
I
have a confession to make. I stopped at Wild Horse and won $500 dollars. I put
it all back except for $20. I feel so stupid. I had no business gambling. But
to take that money-that I so desperately needed and to blow it makes me feel
stupid, ashamed and worthless. I went to Wal-Mart and bought $14 worth of groceries.
But I am still out of clean clothes and I have no money in which I can go to
the truck stop and do laundry. I am so stupid.
Same
day-later.
I
am at Sapp Brothers in Nebraska City. I talked to Kathy earlier and she said
she went to a Psychic to find out about Joey. She told me that the Psychic told
her that you were in both places-Heaven and here with me. That would explain
why I know that you are sitting in the jump seat. I miss you so very much.
Please, if you can, stay by me a bit longer. I need your guidance so very much.
I Love You-Always, Only & Forever. Also, I put my wedding rings back where
they belong. Like I told you before-I am and always will be your Wife.
September
17th, 2012
It
is one calendar month since you died. I miss you so much and I want to go back
in time so that I could hold you, kiss you and fuss over you. You were and are
the biggest part of my life. I feel so incomplete without you here at my side.
Part of me feels numb and seeing as the other side of this is prostrating
grief, right now I will be better off with the numbness. I keep having an instant
replay of that day in my mind. The conversation with the Doctors and the
nurses. The E.R. Doctor told me that she didn’t think you would survive this
and that they needed to get a scan of you but if they were to try to take you
down to the scanning machine, you would code in the elevator. I told them that
if there was a chance you would survive to keep you hooked up but if it was the
cancer and that your body was just so tired of fighting it to let you go. By
all the Gods, that had to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say. So they
took you off of the ventilator and I told you that I am and always would be
your wife. I told you that I would not do anything to shame you. I meant no
smoking and no gambling. I’ve kept the first part and up on the second.
But there will be no repeats of the gambling.
How
could you be gone? Why did you have to die so soon? Kathy told me that you were
on another plane. That each of us has another plane we go to when we die and
that sometimes they overlap others. I
feel you here beside me right now-trying to give comfort. And I appreciate it.
Please be beside me right now. Help me to get through this day. And if there is
a chance I could get a real temper tantrum going that would help. I never
before liked getting that angry before. I have learned that anger does have its
uses. I just have to remember to let it chase the hurt away and then remember
all the good things you brought to me. I Love You-Always, Only & Forever.
Same
day-later
I’m
at the Caseyville yard and I am so thankful for the lessons you have taught me.
I did it, Bob. I actually dropped the trailer and did it the way you taught me
too. I hope you know how much I appreciate the lessons you have shown me.
Well,
here I am at Olney and it looks as if I’ll be here overnight. They sent me on
over here and of course Wal-Mart refused the load. I wish they would have told
me that plans had changed and that I would be delivering this. I have a little
over $2 on me. There SHOULD be a little over $8 on the debit card. I need a
shower-badly. I have no clean clothes. I don’t have enough to even do laundry if
there were a Laundromat in the area. Oh well-just another day in paradise,
right?
But
the one constant is you, Bob. I still miss you, love and need you. Always, Only & Forever.
Called
Diane at the bank and I almost cried after what she offered to me. She helped
transfer money to the old checking account and added an additional $25 to it so
I could eat. She also said that if I were to call the post office and give permission to her, she would be
happy to deposit my paycheck for me. Such acts of kindness are like a lifeline
to me.
I’m
at Wal-Mart and did everything that I was supposed to do-Thank you again, Bob,
for everything you taught me. I Love you
today and I will love you tomorrow. How I wish you could read these words.
September
19th, 2012
I’m
here at the ice cream place in Sikeston, MO. Waiting for my clock to reset so I
can get the hell out of here. I miss you so much. Daniel was running me ragged today. There was
an accident on the freeway coming down here and it put me way behind. I got
here just as they were closing and then I was told that I had to wait in the
break room for my papers. So, while in the break room, I did just that. I guess
I’m coming to terms with what has happened. It doesn’t mean that I am dealing
with it well, but I am dealing with it. I still want to go home and shut the
door and the world out. But I can’t. So,
I guess it is the push I need to get done what has to be done so I can do what
I want to do. The only thing I really want to do is bring you back. But I
can’t. So I guess I have to live as well as I can until I get to come to you.
If
I could stand on a soapbox and tell the world to honor the ones we love while
they are still alive, I would. So many
dreams left unrealized and I regret the time I’ve lost with and for you over
the years. I still miss you and I love you and I believe that that will never
change. But I would give almost anything to have you back again. Always, Only
& Forever I will love you.
September
22nd, 2012
I
am here at The Flying J in North Platte, NE. I miss you. I want to go home and
I want to see you again and I seem to want so many things that I know I can’t
have. But I still love you-Always, Only & Forever.
September
24th, 2012
Well,
here I am at Tooele, UT. I want to go home so bad I can taste it. I asked you
to come into my dreams and I can’t remember if you did or not. I seem to have a
stye in my eye and the bugger hurts. Bob, I miss you so much-the grief
envelopes me and I can’t seem to look up to see anything. Why did you have to
die? I am angry at the fact that you are gone. And I feel guilty for feeling
so.
Well,
got the fuel and here I am at consignee. Hot load my ass-there are 5 other
Henderson trucks here. I’m going home. As soon as I find another
job. I’m going to call Kat later today and see if there are any openings there
yet. Or hopefully trans systems will call. I am just as determined to go home
as I am to save the house. I WILL be doing both. And woe to anyone who tries to
stop me.
I
still love you-Only, Always & Forever.
I
AM GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September
25th, 2012
I
miss you so very much. The wanting and the ache of you being gone is muted
today. But it still throbs like a sore muscle. I have been so frustrated and
angry the past few days. I have to step back and realize that it doesn’t really
matter WHO I work for-they are all going to be about the same. As long as I can
bring in enough money to do what I want to do, it doesn’t really matter where I
earn it, does it. But it doesn’t stop the wanting of you. Why do I have to keep
going back & forth between all these emotions? I wish I could box them all
up and deal with them finally and then put them away. But I know that’s not
going to happen.
I
feel your loss and I don’t think I will ever be able to fully reconcile myself
to it. Like I’ve said before-I have been and always will be your Wife. I Love
you always, Only & Forever..
Be
with me today-I need you badly.
September
28th, 2012
Today
it has been 6 weeks since you died. I am in Caseyville-got here yesterday and I
lost my trainee. I wonder-I feel halfway normal this morning. I feel guilty
over the things I told to Henderson about Shannon. They were true, but I am
wondering if I should of played things down a bit. I like her-I truly do-but
she needs to get more training than what she had in order to progress here. I
am afraid that I may of sabotaged her career in order to placate myself. I hope
I did not.
I
miss you, of course. I tried to cry this morning and I couldn’t. I made a
promise that I need to start replacing the memory I have of you as you were
dying and replace it with memories I have of you when you were alive and in
your prime. The look in your eyes that said you loved me. The way you would act
and the things that you would say when you wanted me in bed. The times we
laughed together and cried together and the times when I would make you so mad.
But especially the times when you would forgive me and the times you held me when
I would cry my heart out. THOSE are the memories I have to nourish and keep
alive in my mind. I have taken my & your wedding bands and hung them around
my neck. I will never marry again, but I need to finally realize that you have
gone to a better place and I will have to be patient until you come to bring me
home-like you promised. Who was it that wrote that life is for the living? So,
from this day forward I vow to carry on what we have started. I don’t know all
the twists & turns this road will take. But you me taught how to lay a
course and stick to it. I love you-Always, Only & Forever. Pray that I do
all that WE wanted to do.
Same
day-later. Waiting for a trailer to take to A/B and then bring a loaded back
here and then go get my load to Tooele. I hope I get to go home from there.
I
was wondering-I want to see you and touch you again. Will I be able to do so
when I cross over? There was a time when I wanted to live forever. Part of me
does and the other part of me wants to be with you. I wish I could do both.
September
30th, 2012
I
am at the 259 MM in Nebraska. Yesterday was a day of ups and downs. My charger
for the phone is missing and I suspect that Shannon took it-by mistake, I’m
sure-but I can’t find it anywhere. The people here at the Pilot are charging it
for me. I met a woman who lost her partner of 10 years. Made me realize that I
am not the only one who has loved and lost. But at least your spirit is with
me. I love you and I miss you-but I am adapting.
October
1st, 2012
I
delivered Tooele this morning and then instead of going home-like WE used to
do, I had to run and grab a load with 3 picks on it. I am so fricking tired. I
want to go home and now I have to lay overnight here at the Pilot in Ogden
because I ran out of hours. Before I forget-Bob, thank you for helping me when
I asked for it. I know it’s you because I can feel you guiding my hands and my
head when I start to get frazzled. I love and miss you. But I am so very tired,
so forgive me for not writing more. I would so like to see you in my dreams.
October
4th, 2012
I
miss you-so much. Your absence here is
so pronounced this morning. What I would not give to see you and touch you
again but I know I can’t. Went to the mortuary yesterday and made the first
payment for your funeral. Asked Kevin what Henry actually said to him and his
parting shot was “Well, I hope you get your money.” Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. I don’t
need nor want his charity. Thank you for teaching me the concept of honor-I
will get this done. I Love You-Always, Only & Forever.
October
5th, 2012
I
find myself so angry at Henry. There is nothing on TV and I thought that I
would watch one of the many movies or DVD’s that we had acquired and the
majority of them are gone. Actually I think that I’m equally as mad at him as I
am at myself. How did I just stand there and let him careen all over me? What
happened to my backbone. You taught me to stand up for myself and I failed both
of us. I am so sorry that I was so weak. It won’t happen again. I got back all
the Cinderella stuff. I am SO glad it was not sellable. There are too many
things that I sold that I now wish I had not. I know that I needed the money
but if I had not gambled so much money over the years we would have been in a
far better position and I would have been able to keep more. Moot point-I am
where I am and this is where I have to go forward from. But I think I will
always have these regrets. I miss you so much. I wish I had treated you better.
I went to a goldsmith today and he is going to turn our wedding rings into a
widow’s ring for me. I won’t have it until next year but it is something that I
want to do-feel that I have to do.
I
was taking a shower this morning and I swear I smelt cigarette smoke. I said
that I didn’t know who was there, but would you please tell them no smoking
allowed. Thank you for conveying the message. I love you so much and I feel
your absence so much tonight. How I want just one more time to hold you. Oh
well.
I’ll
be home until tomorrow. I don’t load until Monday at Hermiston but I want to
leave out so that I can get the girls regular dog food in Boise. Please let me
continue to be strong and to keep our legacy going. I will love you always,
only & forever.
Stopped
at Boise and got the girls’ food. Some at least. I am wondering what I am doing
here. I don’t have any answers and I really would like some.
I
miss you-thoroughly. I talked to you when I went over Cabbage today. I spent
money that I should not of-gambling.
Everything feels so useless. I want to keep the house and everything,
but I wonder if I am doing this all for naught.
That despite all my good intentions I am going to fail and miserably.
God, I wish I knew what to do. I got mad
at you earlier, Bob. When I remembered what you told me in the hospital about
you knowing that it was bad. Remembering your answer when I asked why you
didn’t say anything earlier. You told me that “I was hoping if I ignored it, it
would go away.” Do you know what your death has done to me? I feel like a rudderless
ship and although I can see where I want to be, but I haven’t got the tools to
get there. And I wonder if I had been more adamant about the treatment if you
would have survived a little longer. But
of course I have no answers. So I sit here in the truck stop-wishing I was at
home and knowing if I don’t stay out here, there will be no home to go home to.
But despite it all, I Love You-Always, Only & Forever. I wish you were here
to let me rest my troubles for a while.
October
8th, 2012
Well,
if Dad were still alive he’d be 82 today.
But he’s not and never will be a day older than when he died.
I
am here at Hermiston and have been all day. Won’t get loaded until later
tonight-about 1 AM. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I don’t
care. I have a feeling of impending doom and I hope it goes away. Why do I feel
as if everything I want to work for will all go away- no matter what I do? I
really, really hope I feel more optimistic when I get up. But I still miss you,
Bob. I always will.
Same
day later-I dreamt of you. I bought you a brownie and you were happy. By all
that’s Holy I miss you. I called Kathy and talked to her for a while. And cried
a bit. I feel like crying right now and I can’t. Went in to check on the load
and I got a feeling that I will be here until tomorrow morning. Who knows,
maybe I will get some waiting pay. Possible but highly improbable, I know. I
never really realized how much I drew comfort from you just being here. You
didn’t even have to do anything-just being around you brought me peace and
comfort. I miss it so much right now. I miss you. It goes without saying how
much I love you. And I always will.
October
9th, 2012
What
a day. Got loaded at 2 AM and have been on the go ever since. The load is going
to Sidney and it looks as if I might be delivering it. Sweet. Broke down in
Boise. I went to the T/A and they had to fix the thing-a-ma-jig where you plug
in the pigtail for the lights. Then when I was getting ready to leave I broke
down. Right now I am in Mountain Home and I am done for the night. I’m going to
go grab something to eat and then I am going to bed. By the way, if I do take
this load all the way out there, it will gross me $816.62. I can only hope. But
it is 1912 miles from here and that is, what, 3 days? I will make it to Laramie
tomorrow, but then I have still got 2 more 10 hour driving sessions to get
there. Oh well, all I can do is the best I can do and it will have to be
enough. I miss you, Bob. I really really miss you. I Love you as well. I’ll write
more later.
October
12th, 2012
9
weeks ago today I lost you. How can the time gone so fast? I must be more tired
than I thought-I can’t think of a thing to say. I know I miss you and I wish
you were here. I talked to a lot of people today. So far, everything seems to be holding
together. I hope it stays this way. I feel lonely-I miss not only you, but we
were. I miss what I was. But the one thing that doesn't change is the fact that
I still love you, Always, Only & Forever.